Author: Gabriela Villarreal, a medical student from Peru.
It’s not a matter of looks. I know that. Yet I always blame the mirror for the non-stopping reality of me not having a boyfriend. Maybe it’s my short hair. My skin color? My not so skinny legs. My lack of a six-pack. My pores. The list goes on, but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with it. Why is it that I keep torturing myself listing my flaws?
I guess the thing is that we always want a reason, and blaming beauty is a common favorite among us women. I know it’s my favorite one. Feeling lessened by the presence of other women somehow feels a lot less pathetic if they’re taller or leaner than me.
Of course looks matter. But, hello, there are uncountable Carrie Bradshaws out there! And they don’t even have to try so hard; they are seduced by men. They are desired by men, lured in by men, they are even objects of their love. And me? Very well, thank you, pretty face, pretty boobs, no acne or whatsoever, thanks for playing, next.
Why haven’t I been seduced? Why has it always been so embarrassingly clear that the guy in particular doesn’t have a chance at all or that I’m hopelessly attracted by him? Why is it that in fact there haven’t been many of these guys? Why is it that, counting up all of them, they just claim the pathetic “a few”?
The worst is that there are guys who wanna fuck me, but it doesn’t count because that’s not my goal. And when I tell my friends about them they usually shriek in unbelievable tones and spend the next half hour arguing reason by reason why that guy in particular is so incredibly ugly or stupid or inadequate. Why is it so hard to find a man who actually likes me and that I like back? Why is it that the best relationships I’ve had so far were with far away people? Is it my country? My (lack of a) social circle?
The answer is very easy: it’s me. And the guys response is extremely clear: they’re just not that into me. It didn’t take the movie to made me realize that (although I felt uncomfortably related to one of the characters). At least Gigi (yes, the one I felt related to) had a very prolific dating life, which I don’t and have no idea how to start one. I’m too needy I guess, which scare men away, which leaves me needing more. Such a vicious cycle.
I guess it’s all about the attitude, and I’ve got it all wrong. I hope eventually I’ll bump into a guy who likes me and not just the other way around. My mom likes to say “matrimonio y mortaja del cielo bajan”, which means that love and death come from above. I don’t like the lack of free will it implies. But that’s another story.
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