I’m attending my first Mumsnet Blogfest on Saturday. Lots of people are writing posts to introduce themselves, and so here’s mine. It’s not really an introduction per se, but it probably tells you all your need to know. Which may not be entirely edifying.
Five inventions I’ve dreamed of patenting since becoming a mother:
1. Channel Change Glasses
Your little one is, for unfathomable reasons, thoroughly enjoying Waybuloo. You’re entertaining fantasies of picking them off, one by one, with a crossbow. That’s okay. These special glasses let you see through the TV screen to whatever other channel you want.
That’s how TV works, right? Thought so.
They have a cold. They’re teething. They’re tired and it’s all your fault. Whatever the cause, Baby Freeze lets you put them into stasis, just for long enough to recover your equilibrium.
If you used chloroform it would be a bad thing, but this isn’t chloroform, so it’s completely okay. Honest.
3. ‘Judgy Judy’ Stamp
This could actually happen if I get pushed much further. It’s pre-inked, and whenever some angel-of-perfection points out what you’re doing wrong, you whip out the stamp quick-smart and – whump – leave your mark right in the middle of their forehead. It’s a service to other mothers, you see. A bit like branding, but it washes off.
Either that, or an LED headband that you can switch on at key moments to transmit the phrase, ‘I am crying real tears that you don’t approve of me. Boo hoo hoo.’ This is a modification of my previous invention, which is a neon sign which you place in the back window of your car, that says, ‘Back the fuck off, cock-weasel.’ I am told this might be excessively aggressive.
As I may have mentioned once or twice before, any form of organised activity brings me out in hives. I am not alone in this, but how do I find those elusive other mothers who prefer gin and character assassination to Bounce & Rhyme?
Simple: you take the gay hookup app Grinder, and hack it to show all the local bad-girl mummies.
If this existed, I guarantee all the local pubs would have toyboxes within months.
5. Maternal Cloaking Device
Baby is playing happily with daddy, while you get on with some work. You are insanely desperate for a wee, but you know that, should you leave the room, you will be Spotted. And the all hell will break loose. You apply the cloaking device, and all is well.
You may also apply the cloaking device when you don’t need a wee either. I couldn’t possibly comment.