Confession Booth

Welcome to my virtual Confession Booth. The real thing will be touring festivals and bookshops across the UK this year – scroll down to read some of the confessions.

So, have you got a confession? A crush? A dalliance? A virtual walk of shame?

You can tell me, your secret’s safe. Confess here.


“i miss my high school girlfriend”

“a valentines card; my friends boyfriend (despite his illeterate state and dreadful handwriting) wrote her a valentines card expressing his love and deep emotion towards her, which she keeps by her bedside. for comfort i guesse. he’s a moron but she loves him.”

“i love everyone”

“I really fancied the guy with the beard and long hair so i made up an excuse to talk to him…i heart him”

“i love you”

“Yes, yes, Yes. Once upon a time, it’s true, i encourntered a lady i had met…on the internet. but it wasn’t like that, really it wasn’t. we had struck up quite a friendship about music. she liked Nick Cave, so did I. She liked the Smiths. In fact, her top 15 albums were exquisite. The night we met, in a bar, i was smiling so much that a bloke at the next table said, “What’s up with you, Mate?” and I felt stupid. She didn’t mind. We went home, separately. But we met again the next night. She said nobody had invited her out to see a band for years. And she loves music. We ate, we talked, I stopped smiling like a goon. Walked her back to her hotel – her company had got her a little apartment for the business trip. Out on the balcony, a couple too many. I said I’d better leave, because i didn’t want to get her in deeper than she wanted to Go. But at the door, she grabbd hold of me… And that was it really. For six weeks. Then we stopped. Because it didn’t seem right to sleep with a married woman.”

“I love eating scotch eggs when a vegan is infront of me, because not only is it processed meat but the processed meat is wrapped around an unborn embrio. i love killing animals <3”

“i think im gay”

“moustaches drive men wild…seriously”

“i like to eat chicken”

“i love scooters and northern soul!!!!”

“my name is mr x amd I love things that are not legaal”

“Whenever my husband isn’t at home, I like to masturbate whilst listening to Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice. What can I say? It does things to me.”

“I wish to confess that I am bisexual, sleep with prostitutes of both sexes and couples to further my gratification.

The sad thing is my life partner (hate that saying) does not know.

I should be ashamed as I am massively in debt because of this and the addiction will cost me dearly, eventually. The problem is, I am not shamed and continue at a pace of at least one “hook up” a week.”